


things she cannot have

by rosesandcinnamon



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon, Dreams, F/F, slap me if u see me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 12:51:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2229651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesandcinnamon/pseuds/rosesandcinnamon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can break a young girl’s heart, to dream of things she cannot have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	things she cannot have

Historia and Ymir had often shared a bunk in their training years and after. They slept easier, were warmer, and Historia had a sneaking suspicion that Ymir’s dreams were nightmares.

(Christa was too kind to mention it or ask, but she still wondered.)

So this was nothing new, but it felt-  tender. Gentle.

Sighing deeply, she adjusted her weight, and Ymir moved closer, arms tight around her waist.

Historia tried to sit up, to reluctantly slip out of their shared warmth, and Ymir protested, burying her face in long blonde hair.

“We need to get up…”

She shifted to face her, and Ymir-

Ymir’s eyes were closed, and she must have been half-asleep.

“Ymir. Wake up. We have to get up.”

Historia shook her shoulder gently, still trying to unlatch her grip.

“No, don’t- _don’t leave me_ -“

She stopped short, the desperation in Ymir’s voice confusing and just a little bit terrifying.

Well, they could stay a few more minutes.

Historia gently stroked her hair, curling close, watching the creases on her face fade.

She closed her eyes again-

\--

and woke up.

The transition from a dream to awareness was smooth.

She closed her eyes in Ymir’s arms, and opened them alone.

Slowly understanding that she had only dreamt she was still with her, Historia’s vision blurred, bitter tears welling up.

For what seemed like the thousandth time in the short weeks since Ymir had left, she sobbed alone into her pillow, hugging herself tightly to try and soothe the freezing empty pit her stomach had become.

Ymir had left, Ymir had left her all alone to deal with this horrible situation, left her to accept her name, left her to take the crown like a good little girl, told her to live for herself and _left_ with a simple _sorry_.

Historia cried harder, nails digging into her side.

Why had she only realized how much she loved her when she left?

Why had Ymir not fought harder to stay?

Did she not care after all?

Historia _thought_ she had.

Maybe she still just didn’t know enough about people.

Maybe she was still just a stupid child who knew nothing of the world.

Who knew she would be back to that point by the time she took her name back?

She should have just kept going by Christa, kept being safe, kept being the small self-sacrificing girl who would hopefully die some honorable way and be forgotten as easily as something dropped behind you in the street.

Wouldn’t that have been nice.

Historia cried herself out, feeling incredibly exhausted and numb as she stared at the wall.

There was early afternoon sunlight streaming in from the window. The others must have let her sleep in. How kind.

But she wished they hadn’t.

What was some extra sleep when you already looked fucking dead?

Well, as long as she was awake, she might as well get up and get on with the day.

It felt like she was walking through jelly, painfully slow and a terrible chill deep in her bones.

When she made it in time for lunch, eyes red and puffy, everyone knew.

They would treat her just like any other day.

And not dare mention Ymir.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly have no explanation I think my brain went "hey do u know what u havent done in a while HEART RIPPING SOUL CRUSHING GOOD OLD FASHIONED ANGST LETS DO THAT R I G H T N O W"  
> also bc ive been horribly lonely this past week and u kno no better way to deal with ur problems than to give them to ur favorite dead eyed blonde :D


End file.
